Codependency and oppression are linked...codependency and overseers...
I've been constructing a beat for the last hour, maybe; and before that, it took a minute to search for something I could hear. I've written the song and made a beat, now I just have to record and make adjustments. I'm beginning to think the value of constructing the song is greater than the show of posting a song every day. Who am I accountable to?
I performed at the Livingroom Social in Baltimore two nights ago. it was my first time singing in almost a year. Unlike times before, where I would have my face done, a fresh cut and nice clothes--no glasses-I went not as a performer but as myself.
It hadn't occurred to me that performance could be about being myself. I didn't know you were still supposed to own yourself, your body, your voice, even when people are looking at you, and imbuing you with their desires and hopes.
it didn't occur to me that being an artist could be about self-possession and that this embodiment of kujichagulia (self-determination) is in itself a service.
How many of us perform asking the parenthetical question, "am I worth your love, yet?"
And for the first time, I wasn't really asking. I found myself taking my soul back, it felt like. I sang a song I just wrote and nobody knew. I had my glasses on so i could see who i was talking to. And i was all there. I was alright. Nothing about that performance gave me anything I didn't come there with...
I think like most of us, I'm so used to having someone to report to, to be accountable to, to be responsible to. It creates a kind of codependency that i hadn't expected. Nile Livingston writes more about this here. So when it comes time to be beholden only to myself, i go through the withdrawal of not being possessed by someone else. It's like, having your life predetermined by, say, your family, your religion, your relationships, your industry, gives us the illusion that we're safe and that we're making the right choices. But are these "right choices" really right for us, or just for the entities that benefit from our unconsciousness?
There's something about whiteness, patriarchy and capitalism that lie at the roots of this pressure to perform and produce, without much regard for what I want, and without the immediate validation that what I want will be understood, accepted or praised.
I accept i won't have all the answers (or the entire song) in one sitting. But I had to let you know that there's been a shift...for the first time, it feels like I'm not waiting until I have all the answers to say that I'm here and that I have rightful place. For the first time, it feels like I'm not waiting for permission.